Why I believe it’s important to talk about mental health – For StoryCamp

I signed up to Story Camp as lockdown (and consequently being furloughed) has actually given me time to slow down and practise a bit more self-care, making more time to dedicate to writing – I’ve actually started the novel I’ve been wanting to write for ages – as well as being quite enlightening in terms of my anxiety. I’ve always kept busy as I’ve been afraid to let my mind rest for fear of where it will go, and at the start of lockdown the thought of having nothing to do and being ‘trapped’ in my home (my panic disorder is all about being trapped) was terrifying, but actually I think it’s been good for me to have a break and allow my mind to rest. However, it’s also made me aware that none of us know what is going to happen in the future, no matter how much we plan for it, and that anyone can become mentally ill at any time in their life, and I know lockdown has had a significant psychological impact on a lot of people, not just those that already live with mental illness. No one is immune to it and it seems to be becoming more and more prevalent in our fast-paced world so I think it’s more important than ever to talk about it. For those who have become mentally ill due to lockdown it might be helpful for them to know that the feelings and thoughts they’re experiencing will not last forever and that they’re not alone. The more of us that speak out about mental health the less stigmatised it will become and the less people will suffer in silence and be ashamed of how they’re feeling. That doesn’t mean it is always easy to talk about your own mental health though.

Nearly five years ago I took the plunge and started a blog about my anxiety and depression and how it impacted on various areas of my life. I had a great response from family and friends (some of which were hearing about my mental health for the first time) as well as other bloggers who had similar experiences to me. I knew then that it was important to talk about mental health and I never stopped believing that, but I did worry that people would get sick of hearing about my mental health – I mean if you’ve got diabetes you probably wouldn’t write a post about that every week and share it to all your social media accounts would you, so why is mental health any different? But that, right there, is how it is different. A symptom of generalised anxiety disorder and probably any mental health illness is that you worry what people think, you worry you’re a burden, you worry that people will think ‘what has she got to be worried/down about’, you worry that someone from work might see your post and think – ooh she’s not coping too well at the moment, you worry people might think you’re ‘jumping on the bandwagon’, you worry that people will think you’re just doing it for the attention. Physical illnesses rarely come with the added burden of feeling judged.

Why did I have a 5 year break from my blog? Although I wasn’t writing about my anxiety and depression it didn’t mean that I wasn’t still living with them every day – some days more than others. Actually, the end of last year/beginning of this year was a pretty difficult time as I switched medications and felt overwhelmed with my workload. This led to me finally having my mental illness ‘officially’ logged at work as I had to have some time off due to stress and anxiety. That is the first time I have had time off work for it and until then I wouldn’t have mentioned it as I didn’t want people at work to think I wouldn’t be ‘up to the job’ because of it. However, I wish I had done it sooner as my manager and I are now (well, before I was furloughed) working through how I can be supported in my role (although of course I’m now worried that due to this I’ll be the first to go in redundancies!). So I have still been talking about my mental health during those five years but one of the reasons I stopped writing about it was because I was worried I was beginning to let my mental illness define me and also that writing about it all the time made me focus on it more. Plus, putting yourself out there is pretty scary, and waiting for any comments or likes on your post is almost excruciating for someone with generalised anxiety disorder who seeks approval. But although it can sometimes be uncomfortable and slightly panic inducing (and I don’t use that term lightly) to the individual to speak out about their mental health the more we do it, hopefully the less scary it will become.